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And moviegoers thought Kaffee’s best work in the courtroom was against Colonel Nathan R. Jessep in “A Few Good Men“.

Everyone stands at attention as Judge RANDOLPH enters.RANDOLPH (to KAFFEE): Call your witness.

KAFFEE: We call Private “Scott Thomas” Beauchamp.

ROSS: Private, do you solemnly swear that the testimony you will give in this investigation will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?

THOMAS: Yes I do.

ROSS: Thank you, have a seat.

THOMAS sits.

KAFFEE: Private, when you wrote “Shock Troops” for The New Republic, you had written two “Baghdad Diarist” columns previously, is that right?

THOMAS: Yes.

KAFFEE: The editor at The New Republic is Franklin Foer.

THOMAS: Yes.

KAFFEE: And at present, Franklin Foer is on vacation, is that right?

ROSS: Objection. I’d like to know just what defense counsel is implying?

KAFFEE: I’m implying simply that, at present, Franklin Foer is not working.

ROSS: Surely Private Thomas doesn’t need to appear in this courtroom to confirm that information.

KAFFEE: I just wasn’t sure if the witness was aware that two days ago, Franklin Foer went from his office at The New Republic and just left.

RANDOLPH: The witness is aware, the Court is aware. We thank you for bringing this to our attention. Move on Lieutenant.

KAFFEE: Yes sir. Private, at the time of your writings, you gave them to Franklin Foer, is that right?

THOMAS: Yes.

JO hands KAFFEE a computer printout.

KAFFEE (continuing): This is a record of all telephone calls made from your base in the past 24 hours. After being subpoenaed, you made three calls.

Handinq Thomas the printout–

KAFFEE (continuing): I’ve highlighted those calls in yellow. Do you recognize those numbers?

THOMAS: I called my wife.KAFFEE: Why did you make that call?

THOMAS: I thought she might like to know what’s going on.

ROSS: Judge–

RANDOLPH: I’m gonna put a stop to this now.

Jo’s handed KAFFEE another printout and a stack of letters.

KAFFEE: Your honor, these are the telephone records from FOB Falcon. And these are 14 email entries that Thomas wrote requesting, in fact begging, for a story of his to appear in The New Republic. (to THOMAS) Upon hearing the news that he was finally getting his story published, Thomas was so excited, that do you know how many people he called? One. Only one.

ROSS (continuing): It’s my recommendation, sir, that Lt. Kaffee receive an official reprimand from the bench, and that the witness be excused with the Court’s deepest apologies.

RANDOLPH ponders this a moment.

RANDOLPH (pause): Overruled.

ROSS: Your honor–

RANDOLPH: The objection’s noted.

KAFFEE: Private?

Thomas is smiling …… and now he can’t help but let out a short laugh.

KAFFEE (continuing): Is this funny, Private?

THOMAS: No. It’s not. It’s tragic.

KAFFEE: Do you have an answer?

THOMAS: Absolutely. My answer is I don’t have the first damn clue. Maybe I could only make one morale call. And maybe I didn’t have any friends. I’m an educated man, but I’m afraid I can’t speak intelligently about my phone calls and emails. Now are these really the questions I was called here to answer?

Phone calls and emails? Please tell me you’ve got something more, Lieutenant. Please tell me there’s an ace up your sleeve.
Do you have any other questions for me, counselor?

RANDOLPH: Lt. Kaffee? (continuing) Lieutenant, do you have anything further for this witness?

THOMAS (standing): Thanks, Danny. I love Washington.

KAFFEE: I’m not through with my examination. Sit down.

THOMAS: Private.

KAFFEE: What’s that?

THOMAS (continuing): What would you like to discuss now! The My Space page?

KAFFEE: Private, the phone calls and emails were to Elspeth Reeve?

THOMAS: Yes.

KAFFEE: Your wife?

RANDOLPH: Lieutenant, I think we’ve covered this, haven’t we?

KAFFEE: Your Honor, these are The New Republic’s statements on how Scott Thomas’ story was selected for publication over all the thousands of milbloggers. This is The New Republic’s statement regarding one of their reporter/researchers. I’d like to admit them as Exhibits “A” and “B”.

RANDOLPH: I don’t understand. You’re admitting evidence that The New Republic selected Private Thomas story from thousands of milbloggers but that his wife works at The New Republic as a reporter/researcher?

KAFFEE: Yes, sir.

ROSS: Your Honor, The New Republic has many reporters and researchers.

RANDOLPH: I’ll allow the witnesses.

THOMAS: This is ridiculous. Check The New Republic’s statement for christ’s sake.

KAFFEE: We’ll get to The New Republic in just a minute, sir. A moment ago you said that the DFAC incident occurred in Iraq.

THOMAS: That’s right.

KAFFEE: And you’re sure about that?

THOMAS: Crystal.

KAFFEE: Any chance you were mistaken and got the location and facts wrong?

THOMAS: Facts wrong?

KAFFEE: Any chance you just lied about it?

THOMAS: No.

KAFFEE: Any chance you said, “This will shock people” and made it all up?

THOMAS: No. Have you ever spent time writing liberal blogs, son?

KAFFEE: No sir.

THOMAS: Ever served in a forward area?

KAFFEE: No sir.

THOMAS: Ever put your spin on a story, ask a reporter to spin yours?

KAFFEE: No sir.

THOMAS: We type stories, son. We type stories or people only read Right Wing blogs. It’s that simple. Are we clear?

KAFFEE: Yes Private.

THOMAS: Are we clear?

KAFFEE: Crystal.

KAFFEE (continuing): Private, I have just one more question: If you wrote about seeing a disfigured woman in a large DFAC, and your facts are always correct, then how could that DFAC have been at FOB Falcon, where it’s much smaller and people would have heard those remarks?

THOMAS: That DFAC was large and packed with people. It could have been Camp Buehring in Kuwait–

KAFFEE: But that’s not what you said. You said it was in Iraq.

THOMAS (pause): Yes. That’s correct, but–

KAFFEE: You said, “It happened at FOB Falcon’s DFAC”. I said, “Iraq”. You said–

THOMAS: Yes, I recall what–

KAFFEE: I can have the Court Reporter read back your–

THOMAS: I know what I said. I don’t need it read back to me like I’m a damn–

KAFFEE: Then why the two locations? Private? Why did you–THOMAS: Sometimes DFACs all look the same. Details get wrong.

KAFFEE: No sir. You made it clear just a moment ago that your facts weren’t wrong. You type stories or people read Right Wing blogs. So those hateful remarks didn’t happen in Iraq did they, they couldn’t have, Private?

THOMAS: You little bastard.

ROSS: Your Honor, I have to ask for a recess to–

KAFFEE: I’d like an answer to the question, Judge.

RANDOLPH: The Court’ll wait for answer.

KAFFEE: If your facts were wrong on this story, then the smashing buildings, market stalls and running over dogs is too? Private?

THOMAS says nothing.

KAFFEE (continuing): You made up these stories to shock people, didn’t you? Because that’s what you wanted to do. To get recognition. You “cant do it without getting through this army experience first, which will add a legitimacy to EVERYTHING i do afterwards, and totally bolster my opinions on defense, etc, and of course its making me a lot less lazy, just because im not use to being lazy any more, etc.”

ROSS: Object!

KAFFEE: You wanted to experience Iraq so people would believe your lies–

ROSS: Judge–

KAFFEE: You didn’t see any people disfigured dining at FOB Falcon.

ROSS: Damnit Kaffee!!

KAFFEE: I’ll ask for the fourth time. You made–

THOMAS: You want answers?

KAFFEE: I think I’m entitled to them.

THOMAS: You want answers?!

KAFFEE: I want the truth.

THOMAS: You can’t handle the truth! Son, every morning I get up and I’m a little more liberal than the day before. Every morning I get up and try to recite something I made up last night. Every morning I get up and wish I was a journalist in today’s mainstream media. Every morning I get up and think I’m a tool. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the truth and you curse the media. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not reading what I write: That the facts, while only in my head, probably shock people. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, shocks people.

You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that keyboard. You need me on that keyboard. We use words like Halliburton, Bush lied, defeat…we use these words as the backbone to a political life spent running from something. You use ‘em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I’d prefer you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up your laptop and blog a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to.

KAFFEE (quietly): Did you make up this story?

THOMAS: I wrote the story I wanted to.

KAFFEE: Did you make up this story?

THOMAS (pause): You’re goddamn right I did!!!

Glad we got all this straightened out.

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