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As promised, I hereby submit a column that does NOT require a disclosure.

(I dunno what happened here, but the colors went all weird.  I apologize to my readers.  To get it in the regularly colored version (not half of it green), please go to my other blog at http://constitutionalcrawfish.townhall.com and scroll down to it.  The Crawfish 2-16-2008) 

How The Crawfish graded the festivities and the game.Every year, my wife and I watch the Super Bowl and actually pay attention to the ads.  We keep track of which ads ran at which time of the game, what company ran them, what the content was, was it effective, boring, funny, really good, etc.  Only NATIONAL ads are graded, so the local ones can be used for potty breaks.  For the before-game time period, only NEW ads were graded.  TV and movie promos are usually not graded unless I find them to be worthy of mention.  I can’t help it…my Dad was in advertising for a long time.  We also grade the National Anthem and the halftime performance.  So now, I present the scorecard for Super Bowl 42.Before the game:
The Declaration Of Independence:  VERY well done!  There were tears in our eyes for sure.  Did y’all actually think this patriotic Texan could get through that without ‘em?
Ronald McDonald House Charities: It takes years.  Good ad that touches the heartstrings.
Microsoft Sync in Ford Cars: “Anesthetic On!” That one was good and funny.
NFL: Matt Hasslebeck’s fan mail.  Cute.
National Anthem by Jordin Sparks: Pretty good job, but it wasn’t up to the 1991 (Desert Storm) version by Whitney Houston.  Question: Normally in a mixed forces color guard, the National Ensign is carried by a MARINE, but the Army was carrying it this time.  Why?
Dell computers: Exploding computers, XPS One.  Okay, but not special.  Was repeated again later.
FOX TV’s “Prison Break”: They escape to a spider hole leading to the middle of the field and get whacked.  Didn’t see the end of that one coming!  Was just expecting a regular TV promo.
Ford Trucks: Truck held to centrifuge by tow hooks to show strength.  Good and effective ad.  Mike Rowe’s got a good gig with Ford Trucks.
1st Quarter:
Bud Light: Breathe fire.  Bud Light makes it’s first appearance with an ad that has been shown a couple of times over the past couple of weeks, but it is still a good one and worthy of early in the Super Bowl.
Audi R8: Knockoff of “The Godfather” with the Rolls grill in the old guy’s bed.  I found it good, but the wife thought it lame.  That’s how the experts have said men and women felt about this ad, so we are (somewhat) normal.
Pepsi Max: Falling asleep and heads bobbing.  It was funny and, with the music, just plain WRONG on a few levels!  Effective.
SalesGenie.com: Acme Widget Company.  Okay, but that’s it.  Not really Super Bowl stuff.
Bud Light: Hidden beer.  Their 2nd ad of the quarter was pretty good.  I’m hoping for better as the game progresses.
Under Armor: Us vs Them, the future is ours.  As is the case for most Under Armor ads, this was pretty lame and aimed almost exclusively at the young black male audience.
FOX TV’s “House”: Offensive coordinators.  Fox is doing well with their TV promos. 
Bridgestone Tires: Squirrel’s scream.  This one had us laughing out loud.  Very good!
Doritos: Message from your heart music, the rest is up to you.  Okay, but that’s it.
Nissan Murano: OK
2nd Quarter:
Gatorade G2: Derek Jeter, Peyton Manning, Bill Parcells, field special effects.  Effective, but just OK.  I expect better from Gatorade.  They’ll probably have more later.
GoDaddy.com: Danica Patrick exposure.  Tantalizing.  I might need to check that website later on!
Dell Computers: Red.  Stupid.  Save the world by buying a red colored computer.  Puh-leeeze.  If you want to stop AIDS, tell people to stop having unprotected gay sex and quit sharing needles, not to buy a computer.
FedEx: Carrier pidgeons.  Now THAT is another Super Bowl quality ad!  Very good!
Cars.com: Stone circle death match.  OK.
Tide To Go: Shirt stain talks over job interview.  Effective and entertaining.
Budweiser: Clydesdales.  Hank doesn’t make the team.  Dalmation trains him to the tune from “Rocky”.  This is another fantastic clydesdales ad by Bud.  They ALWAYS have one really good’un with those horses.
Toyota Corolla: Sleeping badgers, so keep quiet.  Entertaining and effective.  Probably did well in Wisconsin.
Garmin: Napoleon driving.  OK, but I expected better from them.
Careerbuilder.com: Heart runs to boss’s office and quits.  Pretty good with a solid message for the company.
Sobe Life Water: Dancing Lizards.  Another that had us laughing.  Good job!
Parents, Theantidrug.com: Drug dealer can’t compete with the medicine cabinet.  Effective.
GMC Yukon Hybrid: Cissiphus and the rock.  Pretty good, but not special.  Audi, Ford, and Toyota have done better than GM so far.
Bud Light: Carlos Mencia and immigrant pick-up lines.  “Boood Light!”  Continuing from last year’s immigrants learning to speak English to order a Bud Light.  Good surprise ending.  Bud Light has done well this year!
Planters: Can’t take my eyes off of you.  Funny, but W-R-O-N-G!!!!!!!!!!
T-Mobile: Sir Charles and D-Wade Fave Five, call anytime.  Very good!
Pepsi: Suction and Justin Timberlake.  I THOUGHT is was a Pepsi ad and was wondering where it was going.  Good and funny.
Doritos: Mousetrap and revenge of the giant mouse.  That one made up for the boring one in the 1st quarter.  Very good.
Halftime:
Kia Sportage: Run, boy, run!  Drive away from gas vendors.  OK.  GMC still in last place for autos.
Dunkin Donuts: Doin’ things is what I like to do.  OK.  Probably should have done a new Rachel Ray spot instead.
Acura MDX: An old repeated ad.  An auto company that scores BELOW GMC.
Geico:  The cavemen reviewing the “Cavemen” TV show.  Not up to Geico’s standards by any means.  Those characters have outlived their usefulness.
Toyota Tundra: old commercial.  Guess they figure nobody’s paying attention to the old geezer halftime show.

Zantac 150 Cool Mint: old
Claritin: Carl Edwards.  Boring!
Halftime Show by Tom Petty: Geez, how that band has aged, and not well!  I thought the Stones were bad a couple of years ago, but at least they had energy.  I like TP’s music, but this was NOT a good promo for his tour this summer.  The songs were slowed down, and were completely lifeless.  I definitely will NOT be buying tickets for his shows this summer in Philly.
3rd Quarter:
Cars.com: Witch doctor.  Pretty good.
SalesGenie.com: Pandas.  Lame.  These guys spent an awful lot of money during the game and pregame, but failed to produce ads worthy of the timeslots.
Vitamin Water: Shaq as a jockey.  Cute.  Effective.
Bud Light: Cavemen going to party with the wheel.  Bottle opener doesn’t work right.  Good.
Ice Breakers: Carmen Electra photo op.  OK.
Bridgestone Tires: Alice Cooper, Richard Simmons.  Bridgestone has done themselves right with their ads tonight.  Another funny one.
Careerbuilder.com: Singing bug gets eaten by spider.  Another good one for these guys.
Hyundai Genesis: Big twist.  Effective, but boring for the Super Bowl.
Disney PIXAR: “Wall-E” movie trailer.  Funny.
E-Trade: Baby investor.  Funny.
Bud Light: Ability to fly.  Reminds me of the old saying, “Eagles may fly, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines!”  That said, it was weak by Bud Light standards.
NFL: Guy who played the oboe, Chester Pitts.  Very good!
Ford Fusion: Boring.
Jeep: GPS system at no charge.  OK, but nothing special.
4th Quarter:
Sunsilk Shampoo: Hair makes it happen.  So-so.
Coke: Macy’s balloons.  Stewie vs Underdog, but Charlie Brown wins.  Very funny.
Coke: James Carville joined by Bill Frist, sight seeing in DC.  Good.  Coke put all of their eggs in one back-to-back basket.
Toyota Sequoia: Big Wheel racing.  Entertaining.
E-Trade: Baby investor rents a clown and is disturbed by him.  Very good follow-up to their previous commercial.  They did that pair well.
Taco Bell: Fiesta Platters, mariachi band.  Pretty good for Taco Bell.
Gatorade: Dog drinking, man’s best friend.  Another good one for Gatorade.
Bud Light: Jackie Moon (Will Farrell).  Entertaining, but not spectacular.
Hyundai Genesis: Other luxury cars won’t like it.  OK, and a good follow-up to the previous one.
Victorias Secret:  Adrianna Lima.  She is just simply SMOKIN’!  Now what did the ad say?
AMP: Battery hooked to man’s breasts.  OK.  They should have used the Dale Earnhardt Jr. ad about camel races here instead of debuting it on some other show over the weekend.
FOX TV’s “American Idol”: Big Ben in the Steelers locker room.  That was funny!The game itself: I thought the Giants played an absolutely terrific game, and this comes from someone who cheers against the Giants most of the season (Well, I AM a fan of the DALLAS COWBOYS after all!).  Their Defense was fantastic.  Brady got sacked more than he had ever been sacked in a single game, and was hit or hurried throughout the game.  The Giants offense wasn’t spectacular, but the controlled the ball, the clock, and the field position enough to have a chance late.  The final touchdown drive was the best drive of Eli Manning’s career so far.Post Game (only a few notables mentioned here):
Overstock.com: Package on the move.  Pretty good for a post-game commercial.  This is when most folks are draining their used beer, so the ads are mostly re-runs or boring stuff.
Barak Obama: Lots of left-wing hippie crap that means nothing.  Proving he’s an empty suit who can sell a bunch of platitudes.  I thought FOX said there would be NO POLITICAL ADS DURING THE SUPER BOWL COVERAGE!Well, there you have it.  Let’s see what y’all think of my report.

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