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I have anguished over blogging about my current situation but I think that my silence only will perpetuate the abuse that I am going through. What follows may be familiar to some of you out there. Remember you are not alone. I have discussed domestic violence previously so many of you know what I have been through.

For as strong and independent as I am, I am so thankful for my parent’s support and guidance. They have reached out to my son and I recently. I don’t know what I would do without them.

My ex-husband has begun a calling and voice mail campaign once again. He is threatening and verbally abusive. My home has become my prison. I eat, breath and sleep fear. My weapons are always close by. I never go out of my home without my gun on my hip and when I come home at night from work, the gym or school I have to clear my yard.

My fear is that he will be laying in wait for me. I am so angry. I have asked myself what have I done to deserve this and I realize that it is his problem. He has a anger management issue to say the least and is a control freak. He is hiding from his financial responsibilities in regards to his son and drops out of sight at will. He is being paid under the table. His social security number has gone dormant. He changes his phone numbers and won’t give out his address. When we have talked he is insulting, mentally and verbally abusive. He refuses to work with me as co-parents. His girlfriend is often in the background hurling insults. Her day is coming. Mark my words. He will turn on her very soon. He claims that I MAKE him abusive. Now that is so classic. It’s such a text book comment. Hardly a surprise. Blame the victim.

I have not answered his phone calls for several months based on the recommendation of law enforcement, my son’s counselor and other legal professionals. I have recorded several of his previous calls and they are hard to listen to. They are sick and no productive not to mention damaging to have to listen to. I refuse to participate anymore in his sick rantings. I was only feeding his illness.

It has started all over again as of last Sunday, October 19 after not hearing from him since June. He called me 17 times in a 12 hour period. He gave me a 5:57 wake up call on Monday to start my day. How lovely. I never answered the calls but have taken measures to make sure this incident has been documented. His voice mails are beginning to show his anger and he is beginning to reveal himself more and more. On Thursday he had called me “restricted.” When I listened to the message he left it was strange. He said, “If this is Julie’s number then you need to call me and if this is not Julie’s number than you need to call me.” He then gave his name and phone number. Why call restricted if you are going to give out your number anyway?

Sunday, October 26, I received a phone call from a number I did not recognize. I made the mistake of answering it. It was his mother. I knew she was up to no good. She and I have not spoken in nearly 2 years. I realized she was verifying the number and she must have been so proud of herself. Of course she raised my abuser. She is his enabler right?

Her call was so casual. She wanted to know how the boys and I were doing. Was I still going to the gym? Do I work? What toys do the boys like and what size are they? She was trying to pry information out of me. I kept it simple and was “pleasant.” It took all that I had in me to be calm. Her son’s name never came up. I made sure of that.

His calls came several hours later as not to appear suspicious. As if I would not have already figured out the game. He called me 14 times in less then an hour just this evening and has left very hostile voice mails. Some calls were within the same minute. He threatened to come to my location. He called me from his mother’s phone as well so I know they are all together. He must have been listening to our previous conversation on speaker phone. This scares me even more. Strength in numbers. I did answer and hang up the phone as to ping the tower. I had a bead on his location this way. I am able to go into my account on line and check for each call as it comes in. It keeps me aware of his location by what tower he is using. It is so crazy to have to live like this.

The next morning I received a txt message from a woman that knows both of us. She asked what was going on between him and I. I contacted her and discovered that he is contacting her and her husband in order to obtain information about me. I am not even comfortable talking to these people. Sad thing is, he never liked them. They were my friends but he uses people for his own purposes and I have told her time and again that she needs to stay out of it. Needless to say I don’t talk to this couple anymore.

Again I made the appropriate documentation and obtained the police reports. It is so sad to know that in order for anything to be done someone has to get hurt at this point. The police told me that I can file harassment charges. I don’t know if it will do much good but I did.

My quality of life is suffering. I do not enjoy my yard as I am always on edge and looking around. I am afraid that he will just show up and I will be out in the open. Imagine if you will living in a constant state of fear. It a terrible feeling. Your heart feels as if it is always beating out of your chest and you never have true peace. I don’t ask for much. I am going to school and working. I don’t want to be rich. I just want to be happy. My ex is making it his mission in life to destroy me from within. He gets pleasure from traumatizing me and keeping me from moving on in my life. He doesn’t want me to be happy. He was unable to kill me on his first attempt and now I feel as if I am dying slowing. He is my cancer. My disease. I want to find a cure. I am so tired. I just want peace in my life.

He has moved on with his life. In fact a 1.5 years prior to the attack he started an affair. I found out about it and now I have no rights to any happiness. He has a child with this individual. His focus on my demise is curious. I wonder what it is really about. It is sick for sure. I don’t look for money from him. Half of nothin’ is nothin’ right? Besides IF he were to pay his child support it would not make up for all that I do and spend to maintain a nice home for our child. He fails to understand this concept. He has refused to pay child support and has told me that he doesn’t care what the divorce decree says. He told me to shove it up my butt. How nice!

I was able to get an Ex Parte Order Of Protection through Legal Aid but haven’t heard if he has been served. My hearing date is November 12th. It may have to be moved if they can’t locate him. I know where he is based on caller ID information. It only verified what I already knew. He hides though and if he sees the sheriff coming the women he surrounds himself with will hide him and deny knowing his location. I am sure eventually he will be served but his ability to skirt the law has become mind boggeling. He will be in a rage once he does get served. It WILL hit the fan.

My hope in writing all of this down is that none of you fall into the Hell in which I am now living. It is no way to have to live. I survive. My life has no joy. Just remember to have joy in your lives and never let anyone take it away from you. I am fighting to get mine back. It has been a long battle but maybe one day I will actually smile in a genuine way and be truly loved.

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