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After you vote on the jokes below:

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  Submit a joke in next month's contest.

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Joke 1: Zip It

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again she was unable to make the step.

About this time a large Marine gunnery sergeant who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!, I don't even know who you are!"

The gunny smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Submitted by marine_lar0311.

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Joke 2: It was so Cold ...

A marine, a sailor and a soldier were talking about how cold it was. The marine said it was so cold in Korea that once his boots froze to the snow, and he couldn't move at all.

The sailor said it was so cold in Greenland that once when he went to take a leak, it froze as it came out leaving a yellow rainbow.

The soldier said that when he was in basic it was real cold, and once when he went to walk back to the barracks he felt something roll down his leg. He picked it up and took it into the barracks. He sat it on his foot locker, and in a little while he heard a noise coming from it—Brrurp. (Just a little fart).

Submitted by gumpa_38.
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Joke 3: Crusty Old Sergeant Major

A crusty old sergeant major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the sergeant major for conversation.

"Excuse me, sergeant major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The sergeant major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Submitted by phfthood.
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Joke 4: The Tent

[A Special Forces group sets up headquarters in the opening of a forest. The commander of the unit, a colonel, and his first sergeant set up their tent. After posting a guard they fall asleep. Some hours later, the sergeant wakes his CO.

"Colonel, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The colonel replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you, sir?" asks the sergeant.

The colonel ponders for a minute then replies, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

The sergeant is silent for a moment, then replies. "Sir, it tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

Submitted by kpb007.
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Joke 5: I Used to Tell Jokes

I used to tell jokes all the time, until one day my brother and I were in a restaurant telling Polish jokes. We're both Polish, so we've heard them all.

Then the guy in the booth next to us in uniform slams his fist down and says he's tired of Polish jokes, and he just starts yelling at us and making a scene. We explained we were Polish and didn't mean anything by it. He wouldn't hear any of it. He yells at us to step outside.

Him being in uniform, we figured we better go outside just to calm him down. We didn't want him to get in a trouble having, his uniform on. We both being ex-military men.

We got outside, and in a flash he pulls a razor. What were we to do? All this over a few jokes. What a situation to get in.

Finally a break.



No place to plug the razor in.


Submitted by chuckie692.