Military Humor
Military Jokes
Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here.
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Oaths of Enlistment
U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment
I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it
in the Army, because the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of water over waist deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training" I will be a lean,mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes,Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.So Help Me God!
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U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every othermonth and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!
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U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like "deck,bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat,candy, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick,and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!
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U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment
I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight....grunt...cammies.... ugh...Air Force women ....HOORAH! So Help Me CORPS!
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Missing the Navy?
1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a smelly sleeping bag. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that's too small.
2. Wash your underwear every night in a bucket, and then hang it over the water pipes to dry.
3. Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife (husband/girlfriend/boyfriend) whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your eyes, and say "sorry mate, wrong pit."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of your bath and move the shower head down to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.
5. When you have a shower, remember to turn the water off while you soap.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm sit in a wobbly rocking chair, and rock as hard as you can until you're sick.
7. Put oil instead of water into a humidifier, then set it to "HIGH".
8. Don't watch TV, except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see - then select a different one.
9. (Mandatory for engineering types) Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels.
10. Have the paper boy give you a haircut.
11l. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over onto your neighbour’s house. When he complains laugh at him.
12. Buy a rubbish compactor, but only use it once a week. Store up your rubbish in the other side of your bath.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of anything you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional: cold soup or canned ravioli, eaten out of the can.
14. Devise your family menus a week in advance without looking in the fridge or larder.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times through the night. When it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can then run into the garden and break out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart, and then re-assemble.
17. Use four spoons of coffee per cup, and allow it to sit for three hours before drinking.
18. Invite about 85 people you don't really like to come and stay for a couple of months:
19. Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table, and then lie under the table to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of all the doors in the house. Now you will always either hit your head or skin your shins when passing through them.
21. When baking cakes, prop up one side of the cake tin while it is baking. When it has cooled, spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.
22. Every so often, throw your cat in the bath and shout "man overboard", then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes and pans onto the floor while yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea properly.
23. Put on the headphones from your stereo, do not plug them in. Go and stand in front of your dishwasher. Say, to nobody in particular, "Dishwasher manned and ready Sir". Stand there for three or four hours. Say, once again to nobody in particular,
"Dishwasher secured". Remove the headphones, roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
Submitted by Revrac66
Army Brat vs. Navy Brat
An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes," said the Navy brat.
"My dad has built them."
Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
"Yes."
"It's my dad who's killed it!"
Submitted by USarmy08
The Four Branches
First the Air Force flies in and bombs the hill.Next Marines charge the hill and kill anything that moves.
After that, the Army comes in puts up the flag and stands there like they've actually done something special.
--and the Navy sits back and rules the world....
Submitted by zhome30« Previous | Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 | Next » |
