Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

Page: 28

Last Request

Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts and a tough, old U.S. Marine sergeant major were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song O Canada one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the a**," said the marine. "

What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the a**," insisted the marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the a**.

The marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammos, and shot the leader dead. In the confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the a** first?"

"What!" replied the marine, "And have you three a******* report that I was the aggressor!!" 

Submitted by SlickJarhead.

Hot Meal

An Air Force airman and an Army first sergeant were isolated out in the deserts of Iraq. They had been out there for 10 days. Water was scarce, but food was even more scarce. 

One day the airman came upon a decaying stray dog.  Hunger over came him, and he devoured it within seconds. He was basking in his fullness when all of a sudden he became violently sick and started blowing chunks. The first sergeant quickly lavished everything up. He then turned to the little airman and said, "I knew if I waited long enough I would get a hot meal. HOOAH! "

Submitted by Speerfactor.

True Story

Week 5 basic training. Drill Sergeant Shaltenbrand comes in for bedcheck. Right away he asks a private: "Jessen where you from?  You remind me of a White Urkel."

"Montana," Pvt Jessen replies.

"Montana? Where the men are men and the sheep are scared!"

"Cows too, drill sergeant Cows too."

Submitted by turendil.

Military Etiquette

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!