Military Humor
Military Jokes
Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here.
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Things you Can't do in the Army: Part 4
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is "Specialist Schwarz,reporting as ordered, Sir" not "You can't prove a thing!"
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of
grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or
Chem-Light (r) batteries.
153. I should not assign new privates to "guard the flight line".
154. Shouldn't treat "piss-bottles" with extra-strength icy hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform "lap-dances" while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get "that time of month".
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* "especially patriotic films"
170. Not allowed to "defect" to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
172. "A full magazine and some privacy" is not the way to help a
potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
174. Furby (r) is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the
gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
175. We do not "charge into battle, naked, like the Celts".
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not
need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as "the boxy rectangle thingie".
178. I am not "A lesbian trapped in a man's body".
179. On Army documents, my race is not "Other".
180. Nor is it "Secretariat, in the third".
181. Pokémon(r) trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for "wall-to-wall counseling".
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to
hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. (r)
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something
"I saw in a cartoon".
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal,
with cigarettes.
188. May not challenge officers to "Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn".
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not "That's what you think".
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop (r) to create incriminating photos of my
chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
197. I am not allowed to sing "Henry the VIII I am" until verse 68 ever again.
198. Not allowed to lead a "Coup" during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I "just happen" to
have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the
back of my car.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance"
and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
203. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad
long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of
the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch
pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux
capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
206. Not allowed to get shot.
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy
wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has
ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on
22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians
who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to
the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also
not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat
Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to
deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a
security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me
repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
Submitted by gruffcw3
Three Wishes
Three guys - a Midwest farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Army engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The farmer says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in the USA." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in the USA was forever fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Syria, Lebanon,Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels from the West can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Army engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water. ..."
Submitted by Revrac66
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The farmer says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in the USA." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in the USA was forever fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Syria, Lebanon,Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels from the West can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Army engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water. ..."
Submitted by Revrac66
Drafted
I didn't enlist in the Army -- I was drafted. So I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone.
During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"
"What letters?" I answered slyly.
"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."
Submitted by tymescape
War Plans
A Washington think tank has announced a breakthrough in the search for a pattern in US military activities since World War II that might predict what the future missions of the US will be in the post-Cold War world.
"We think they are spelling out a message," explained an unnamed spokesperson. "Just look at the places where the US has fought: Korea, Vietnam, Libya, Iraq, Iran, El Salvador, Grenada, Nicaragua and Somalia.
If you rearrange the first letters of those countries, it spells 'ELVIS _S KING.' We just need to find another 'I' country to complete the message."
Who's next, Italy, India, Ireland, Indonesia . . . ?
Submitted by juzwant2play
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