Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

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Snoring Dog

A marine has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see of he can help. The vet tells her to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yea right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her Marine husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again and grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the marine wakes up from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were ... or what we did ... but, by God, we took first and second place!"

Submitted by ginger.

Common Cause

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low-life scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

Legendary General Al Gray, Commandant USMC

NOTE: Totally mythical story, but fun nevertheless.

The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old "Field Marine." He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private. (In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be "unfit in quality or quantity.")

Upon becoming commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of "formal entertaining," fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the general would rather have been in the field eating cold "MREs " around a fighting hole with a bunch of young "hard charging" Marines. But, the General knew his duty, and as a Marine, he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.

During these formal parties a detachment of highly polished Marines from "Eighth and Eye" (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D.C.) were detailed to assume the position of "parade rest" at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held.

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big chested, blue haired lady picked up a tray of pastry and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Desert Storm.

She made a "beeline" for the closest lance corporal. As she drew near him she asked, "Would you like pastry young man?"

The young Marine snapped to "attention" and replied, "I don't eat that s***, Ma'am."  Just as quickly, he resumed the position of "parade rest."

His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.

The fancy lady was taken back! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"

The Marine snapped back to the position "attention" (like the arm of a mouse trap smacking it's wooden base). Then he said,  "I don't eat that s*** Ma'am." And, just as smartly as before, back to the position of "parade rest" he went.

This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed, and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man, (well below her station in life). And he had the nerve to say THAT to HER!

She exclaimed, "Well! I never...!"

The fancy lady remembered that she had met "that military man who was over all these 'soldiers' a little earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of liquor in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd lieutenants.

The blue haired lady went straight over to the commandant and interrupted, "General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there. And, do you know what he told me?"

General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, "Well, no Ma'am. I don't."

The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was expressing with her body language her rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, "He - said, I - don't - eat - that - s*** - Ma'am!"

The lieutenants standing there were in a state of flux. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought most of them had was, "God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!", and the color left their faces. General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and expelled a subdued, "Hummm."

"Which one did you say it was Ma'am?", the General asked. "That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support.

General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up his _expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said,

"Well, f*** 'im! Don't give him any."

Submitted by ProfJohn

The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt "If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently tuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No s***?"

Submitted by jlspencer