Military Humor
Military Jokes
Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here.
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bin Laden at the Pearly Gates
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He delivers a kick to Osama's knee.
Osama is subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.
As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurls him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?
Submitted by dinak671957 Date
It's the Spring of 1957 and a sailor goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and inviteshim in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.
"That's cool" says the sailor.
Carrie's father asks the sailor what they're planning to do.
The sailor replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young sailor - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made the sailor's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, the young sailor escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: " DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
Submitted by zhome30
Service Branch Rules
Marine Corps Rules
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics...
They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEAL Rules
1. Look very cool in sunglasses..
2.. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
Army Ranger Rules
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk o ut 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack, while starving . . . . . .
Army Rules
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patch on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
Air Force Rules
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
Navy Rules
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines
Submitted by Revrac66
Corporal Peters
Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin me!" came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington, and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin'me!"
Submitted by Revrac66
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