Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

Page: 9

Rowing

The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.

A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.

So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program", with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.

Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance. Initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.

Meanwhile, the Army team is still trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.

Submitted by juzwant2play

Three Conditions

A Marine sees a flyer from a medical research company that wants to cross a human male with a female orangutan. The flyer asks people to participate for $500. The marine figures it'll be okay and goes to the lab where the project will happen.

The Marine checks in at the lab and the lead researcher shows him the orangutan.

“I got three conditions before this happens, the marine said. “Number one—no kissing! There's no way I can kiss an animal. Number two, I can't spend the night. It's gotta be 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am!

“Alright, the researcher says. “That can be accommodated. What's your third condition?"

“Well, the marine says. “I don't have the 500 bucks on me right now. Can we work out a payment plan?

Submitted by nr839.

I Used to Tell Jokes

I used to tell jokes all the time, until one day my brother and I were in a restaurant telling Polish jokes. We're both Polish, so we've heard them all.

Then the guy in the booth next to us in uniform slams his fist down and says he's tired of Polish jokes, and he just starts yelling at us and making a scene. We explained we were Polish and didn't mean anything by it. He wouldn't hear any of it. He yells at us to step outside.

Him being in uniform, we figured we better go outside just to calm him down. We didn't want him to get in a trouble having, his uniform on. We both being ex-military men.

We got outside, and in a flash he pulls a razor. What were we to do? All this over a few jokes. What a situation to get in.

Finally a break.

No place to plug the razor in.

Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the world do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

Submitted by myway