Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

Page: 10

Backed Up

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne, Australia. One notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.

"If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my arse."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along Russell Street, and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out. He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'"

I said, "No s---t!"

Submitted by Revrac66

An Old Sailor

An Old sailor goes to a brothel,
Where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" He asks.
"Three knots,"she replies.
"Three knots?what's that mean?"
"You're not hard,you're not in and you're not getting your money back."

Submitted by armara

The Stowaway

A Rhode Island blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to
end her life by throwing herself into the Narragansett Bay off of the
Jamestown Bridge.

She went up to the middle of the bridge and was about to leap into
the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the
edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've
got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I
can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food
everyday." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and
added with a wink, "I'll make you happy, and you can make me happy."

The blonde nodded yes through her tears. After all, what did she have
to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he
brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad,
passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the Captain. "What the hell are you doing here?" the Captain demanded
angrily.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I
get free food and a trip to Europe. "Meanwhile" , she says coyly, "he's
taking advantage of me so to speak (wink, wink)."

"He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Block Island
Ferry!!"

Submitted by Revrac66

Missing the Navy?

1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a smelly sleeping bag. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a  curtain that's too small.

2. Wash your underwear every night in a bucket, and then hang it over the water pipes to dry.

3. Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife (husband/girlfriend/boyfriend) whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your eyes, and say "sorry mate, wrong pit."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of your bath and move the shower head down to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.

5. When you have a shower, remember to turn the water off while you soap.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm sit in a wobbly rocking chair, and rock as hard as you can until you're sick.

7. Put oil instead of water into a humidifier, then set it to "HIGH".

8. Don't watch TV, except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see - then select a different one.

9. (Mandatory for engineering types) Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels.

10. Have the paper boy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over onto your neighbour’s house. When he complains laugh at him.

12. Buy a rubbish compactor, but only use it once a week. Store up your rubbish in the other side of your bath.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of anything you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional: cold soup or canned ravioli, eaten out of the can.

14. Devise your family menus a week in advance without looking in the fridge or larder.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times through the night. When it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can then run into the garden and break out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart, and then re-assemble.

17. Use four spoons of coffee per cup, and allow it to sit for three hours before drinking.

18. Invite about 85 people you don't really like to come and stay for a couple of months.

19. Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table, and then  lie under the table to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of all the doors in the house. Now you will always either hit your head or skin your shins when passing through them.

21. When baking cakes, prop up one side of the cake tin while it is baking. When it has cooled, spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.

22. Every so often, throw your cat in the bath and shout "man overboard", then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes and pans onto the floor while yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea properly.

23. Put on the headphones from your stereo, do not plug them in. Go and stand in front of your dishwasher. Say, to nobody in particular, "Dishwasher manned and ready Sir". Stand there for three or four hours.  Say, once again to nobody in particular,  "Dishwasher secured". Remove the headphones, roll up the headphone cord and put them away.

Submitted by Revrac66