Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

Page: 11

Having a Bad Day?

Having a bad day?
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a bad day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000 per seal. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Still having a bad day???
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What! Still having a bad day?????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better???

Submitted by Hollis

Airplanes are Better Than Women

Playing With Mud

An officer is walking down the footpath on the way to the mess at and notices a young boy playing in the mud outside his family's quarters. He turns to the lad an says: "Hey there son what are you making?"

The boy promtply replies: "An NCO, Sir."

The officer looks puzzled then asks the boy another question: "Why dont you make an officer, only the best become officers!"

The boy smiles and says: "Sir, i dont have enough s**t to make an Officer."

Submitted by armara

Husband Wanted

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED ! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman a Vietnam Vet sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you ?" the widow said. "Just look at you... You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you !"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eye-brow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed ??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

Submitted by Rickb54.