Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

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Typical Officer

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!

Now let's try it again!"

Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Submitted by armara

New Royal Navy

Details have been released regarding Britain's next generation of fighting Ships.

The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the Fleet Of Type 45 destroyers.Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century.

In addition to state of the art technology, weapons, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health and safety and human rights legislation. They will be able to remain at sea for several months, and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs, to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress councillors and lawyers will be on duty 24 hours a day, and each ship will have its own onboard industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest home office directives on race, gender, sexuality, and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours per week in line with Brussels Health and Safety rules, even in wartime. All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward and crèche, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the mess. The Royal Navy is anxious to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash".

Out goes the Rum ration, which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains and has been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available, but only by request.

Condoms can be obtained from the sick bay in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength. Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist. It is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages, and Braille.

Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even the women. The MOD is working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. Sea Trials are expected to take place soon. When the first of the new destroyers, HMS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission, escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on the South Coast. The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook, from the Finsbury Park Mosque, who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will slide gently into the water, to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People, played by the band of the Royal Marines.

A Navy spokesperson said, "While the ship reflected the very latest of modern thinking, they were also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation. He said, "Britain never, never waives the rules!"

Submitted by Revrac66

Simulate Being in the Navy

Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.

Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)

Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.

Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.

Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.

Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.

Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favourite CD.

Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new wave rock band.

Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.

Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.

Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.

At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo boo.

Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.

Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.

When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.

Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.

Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.

Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from 2 to 95 deg C.

Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.

Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.

Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.

Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.

USRSF

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These South Carolina boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Submitted by Revrac66