Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

Page: 14

Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

Submitted by armara

Bravest Men

The Generals and Admiral were playing a round of golf, and the discussion came to which service had the bravest men. The discussion continued at the nineteenth hole, with nothing decided. Finally, it was decided that they would visit each others bases to demonstrate.

The Air Force base was first. The AF General took his counterparts to the flight line. One of the jets was revving its engines. The General motioned to a young airman to come over, then ordered, "Airman, stick your head up in that engine intake and tell us what you see." The airman did as ordered, and the expected happened. He was sucked into the intake. The AF General remarked to the others, "There's a very brave man. He knew what would happen, but did as ordered anyway." The other Generals agreed, while the Admiral just shook his head. The Army was up next.

Off they went. Maneuvers were being conducted on base, with infantry and tank units mixed. The Army General looked around, and saw a young private hidden safely in a well dug foxhole. A tank was approaching. The General shouted out his order: "Private, jump in front of that tank and stop it!" The private did as ordered. The General stated, "Now that's a very brave man. He knew he wouldn't be able to stop that tank, but tried valiantly anyway." The other Generals agreed it was a brave feat indeed, while the Admiral just shook his head.

Off to a Marine base they went. Live fire exercises were being conducted. The Marine General took his party over to where grenades were bing practiced. From safe distance he shouted out, "Private!", and pointed to one. The Private froze for a moment, then drew himself to attention. "Yes sir, General!" came the reply. The General ordered, "Private, pull the pin on that grenade, and hold it out at arms length." The Private did so, immediately. The countdown began. The grenade went off. The General turned to the others. "Now there was a brave man. He knew what was going to happen, and had to endure the waiting, but did it as ordered." The other Generals agreed, the Admiral shook his head. Off thy went to the Navy base.

There was nothing special going on, just ships in port doing routine maintenance. The Admiral took his buddies down to the piers. They were walking, when the Admiral spotted a lone sailor, high atop a mast, out on a yardarm. The Admiral turns to the Generals and says,"Watch this." He walks over towards the ship with the sailor high in the air. The Admiral cups his hands and bellows up, "You, seaman, down here." The sailor looks around confused, then spots the Admiral. He shouts down, "Me, Admiral?" The Admiral bellows up, "Yes, you." "What do you need, admiral?" shouts down the sailor. "I want to jump down, right here in front of me!" bellows the Admiral, pointing to the ground. "Could you say that again Admiral!" replied the sailor, not sure he had heard correctly. The Admiral shouts up again, "Seaman, I want you to jump down here, right in front of me!" The sailor, now sure he has heard correctly, points out his middle finger, shouts "F--- You, Admiral!" and goes back to work. The Admiral turns to his counterparts and states for all, "Now there is a really brave man!"

An Admiral and General

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.

"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."

Submitted by armara

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 Submitted by armara