Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

Page: 17

Discussing Leaders

A squad of Marines were driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious.

Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported; "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier."

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of crap, and he yelled back: 'George Bush is a miserable piece of crap."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

Submitted by juzwant2play

The Navigator

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.

So the navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my pecker against the table?"

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his pecker out and whammed it on the table. Just when his pecker hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed."

"What did you do?" The navigator told him and the captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that pecker of yours. The torpedo missed!"

Submitted by armara

The Sergeant Major

An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says,"My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!"

The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him. Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!"

Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!"

His penis immediately goes limp.The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and he follows this display of prowess with the command of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again).

The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!"

His penis becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the following command,"DICK, AT EASE."

The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!"

Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says,"I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!"

No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells, "Damn it!" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.

The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?"

The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"

Submitted by armara

Sailor's Choice

When Prince Edward and his new wife withdrew to their room after the ceremony, the only thing his bride could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the royal family crowded around the door to the bedroom, and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises, and an occasional muffled scream.

Eventually, they heard Edward say, "Goodness, that was tight." 

"There," whispered Queen Elizabeth, listening outside the door. "I told you she was a virgin!"

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the  other one."

This was followed by more grunting and straining, and, at last, Edward  said, "My Goodness. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

Submitted by Revrac66