Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

Page: 18

Navy Seal in Dress Blues

What 5 words get said to a Navy SEAL in dress blues?

"Will the defendant please rise?"

Why do we Speak English?

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of the countries

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop

Submitted by Rickb54

Navy Rank Recognition

ADMIRAL
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, reviews policy with God.

CAPTAIN
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

COMMANDER
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God only if a special request chit is approved.

LT. COMMANDER
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.

LIEUTENANT
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by the locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.

LIEUTENANT jg
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to bulkheads.

ENSIGN
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

CHIEF
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, makes policy and enforces it.

Submitted by Revrac66 

The Best Part of Waking Up

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

Submitted by bcamp3