Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

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Storms vs. Anchors

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain.

"Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student.

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor." replied the student.

"Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?"

The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms,

Submitted by Revrac66

Dumb Question

As a benefits specialist in the Marines, I traveled around delivering lectures on life insurance. After listening to a dozen of these talks, the corporal who drove me from base to base insisted he knew my entire spiel by heart.

"Prove it," I said.

So at the next base the corporal delivered the speech. As he ended his flawless performance, a Marine asked, "What do I pay for insurance after I leave the Corps?"

My driver froze. Was the jig up? Would ignorance of the facts force him to crumble? Not my corporal!

"Marine," he said sternly, as he pointed to me, "that is such a dumb question that I am going to let my driver answer it."

Army Better Than Workin' on the Farm

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
(For those of you not in the know ... Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland, Australia.)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the farm
- tell them to get in bloody quick
smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down
At first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky
is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to
stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad,
coz there's lotsa hot water and even a
light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's
no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.
You don't get fed again until noon and by
that time all the city boys are buggered because we've
been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking
to the windmill in the back
paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter,
I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why.
The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's
bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the
Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into
their prize cows before the Ekka last year!
All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the
target - it's a piece of piss!!
You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes
In little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself
against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I
gotta be real careful coz they break easy
- it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and
Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at
home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like
I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been
beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three
pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm
only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but
I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army
- tell the boys to get in quick before word
gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Submitted by amara

A Soldier and Wal Mart

One day, before the morning parade a soldier, Joe, says to his Corporal behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a medic."

"Listen, you don't what an injury like that on your medical documents if you can avoid it," the Corporal replied.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot better than being called a malingerer by the medical staff."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."  

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following: 

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

Submitted by armara