Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

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Three Roses

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her va****l lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from the marine upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Submitted by drcullex

Dark in Here

An airman's wife takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is on base. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.  

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy--"I have a baseball."
Man--"That's nice."
Boy--"Want to buy it?"
Man--"No, thanks."
Boy--"My dad's outside."
Man--"OK, how much?"
Boy--"$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy--"Dark in here."
Man--"Yes, it is."
Boy--"I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy--"$750."
Man--"Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that s*** again."

Submitted by Jselph

Veteran Goes Postal

A man goes to the United States Postal Service to apply for employment. The postal interviewer asks him: "Have you ever been in the U.S. Armed Forces?" He replies that he had served in the Army of the United States for three years during the Vietnam War. The interviwer tells him that will give him additional points toward being employedd by the U.S.P.S.!

He asks if he sustained any injuries in the line of duty while in Nam? He states he did get injured and he says he is 100% diabled after an enemy mortar round blew up near him and he lost his testicles as a result. The interviewer informs him he can hire him right now and tells him the work hours are 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., but he could report for work tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.!

The man is puzzled and asks why come in at ten o'clock rather than eight o'clock? The interviewer replied: "The is a government job, we stand around the first two hours scratching our balls, no point in you coming in for that!"

Submitted by Clovis Lee Booker

Corporal Peters

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be sh**tin me!" came from?
 
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington, and these are my men. We are tired, wet,
exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have
come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."

And the Madam said,  "You gotta be shittin'me!"

Submitted by Revrac66