Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

Page: 21

Retirement Bonus

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension official that the sergeant major might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the sergeant major to drop'em, which he did.

The medical oficer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old sergeant major calmly replied, "Iraq."

Submitted by micheleachille

Saddam's Relatives

Now that Saddam, Uday and Qusay have been eliminated, many of Saddam Hussein's lesser-known relatives are coming to the attention of American authorities including:

Sooflay ............the restauranteur
Guday...............the Australian half-brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins by his the African wife
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray..............the country music star
Ecksray...........the radiologist
Puray...............the gourmet chef
Regay...............the Jamaican half-brother
Tupay...............the brother with the bad hair
Lattay...............the sister who works in Starbucks
Bufay...............the chubby sister
Dushay.............the very clean sister
Phayray............the zookeeper sister who works in the gorilla house
Sapheway.........the sister who works in a grocery store
Ollay................the Mexican half-sister
Gudlay.............the slutty sister
And finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.

Submitted by 101in73.

Haircut

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Soldier came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to my country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Soldiers in front of the door.

Submitted by AllanJGAnderson

Fifty-One Days

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines.  They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses.  They take their order over and sit down at the large table.  The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51, days, 51 days!"

Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!!"

Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table.  There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster.  When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The Marine who brought the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us.  So, we decided to set the record straight.  Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together.  The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 day."