Military Humor
Military Jokes
Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here.
Page: 22
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Snow Condition Bravo
An Army private was ecstatic to be one of very low-enlisted servicemembers authorized to live in on-post family housing as part of a new Army test program. He wanted to follow all housing regulations to the letter, to make sure he would be allowed to stay.
During the snowstorm of the year, he turned on the Command Information Channel and heard the following message:
"The National Weather Service has predicted three inches of snow. The post commander has instituted Snow-Condition Alpha, which means that all privately owned vehicles should be parked on the north or west sides of streets."
The Army private hurried out of the house and quickly moved his truck to the west side of the street.
One week later, it started to snow again, so he turned on the Command Information Channel once more. The announcer said, "The National Weather Service has predicted five inches of snow. The post commander has instituted Snow-Condition Bravo, which means that all privately owned vehicles should be parked on the south or east sides of streets."
The private dashed out move his car to the east side of the street.
A few days later, another storm hit. The private turned on the Command Information Channel, but the storm had knocked out the cable.
Panicking, he asked his wife, "What should I do??????"
"Babe, his wife replied, "Just leave the car in the garage!"
Submitted by 20yearsIn
You're a Coastie If ...
2. People ask you what you're doing beyond the three mile limit
3. You get married to move out of the barracks
4. You precede every public speech with, "I was going to tell a sea story, but seeing the lack of Cutterman's pins out there, you all just wouldn't understand"
5. An Alaskan cruise is not an option for your honeymoon.
6. You are still trying to figure out what TQM was all about.
7. You've ever laughed when watching the CG commercial at 3:00 am, and wondered why all they show is helo's and small boats
8. You've successfully avoided at least one inspection, Change of Command, or urinalysis
9. After boot camp, you've never fired a gun
10. You hear a HH-65 and DON'T look up
11. Your port calls have more bars in them than people
12. You consider the door falling off your aircraft natural air conditioning
13. While underway, a life raft comes loose, hits you on the head and you're counseled for "loss of situational awareness"
14. Members of other branches of the service visit your workspace and they shout, "Wow, I haven't seen one of these in 20 years!"
15. Your idea of aromatherapy is Simple Green and JP5.
16. ...Any time you set out on a trip you expect to hear "make preparations for getting underway".
17. When you come home with groceries you shout, "All hands lay to the garage/driveway/curb for stores".
18. You catch yourself speaking to your children in the same tone of voice you use with your nonrates ... or is it the other way around?
19. You are not sure if there really is life out there, i.e. in the real world.
20. It seems every time you watch a movie it says on the bottom of the screen "Property of the US Navy"
21. If you've had people say to you, "The Coast Guard is military?"
22. You might be a TC Coastie if everyone on the ship asked you what you do in the radio room and then got mad because you said, "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you!"
23. If getting to sleep after mid-watch was ever difficult due to the ever-present sun up above throwing your system off.
24. If your ship is handed a list of businesses your crew is not welcome at during their port call...
25. You've left a port with more than one sign from the naval base...
26. You've woken up in the "red zone" in Panama.
27. WMEC means 'We Must Eat Chicken' to you.
28. If your 40-year-old boat is getting underway on Monday for a 6-week patrol and your still making plans for the weekend because you know the boat will break down within 2-3 days.
29. You might be a Coastie if your ship sends an emergency CASREP for the broken coffee maker.
30. You might be a Coastie if the Marines get upset when they see you get to use real bullets in your weapon.
31. If your child refers to the boat or station as "where Daddy lives"
32. You claim to have a woman in every port, yet you are at an ashore unit.
33. You run from the kitchen, trip over the dog, fall and hit your head on the coffee table just to see a 15 second blip on TV when you hear the words "Coast Guard"!
34. You PANIC when you have to wear nice civilian clothes out because you can't color coordinate because you know no other than blue.
35. Your wife looks at you strange and spouts out, "You're not my Chief, and I sure as hell ain't one of your damn Seaman!"
36. If you abbreviate words so much that you for get how to spell them out.
37. You tell your children that Fridays are 'field days'
38. If you believe USCG really stands for "Uncle Sams Confused Group"
39. You can get an alcohol incident and advance in the same week
Submitted by zhome30
Service Branch Diferences
An ARMY Ranger jumps out of a plane and parachutes to the ground. Upon entering the jungle he says "This is the s***."
A member of the MARINE Recon is rafting down a harsh river, laying low with his rifle. Upon making landfall, he enters a jungle and kills three men. He then says "This is some good s***."
A NAVY SEAL swims three kilometers out from his ship, killing a shark while there. Upon landfall he enters a jungle and kills five men. He then says "This is really good s***."
An Air Force Tech Sgt, sitting in a leather chair, sipping coffee in an air conditioned office goes to check his email. Upon finding out that his email server’s down he says "What kind of s*** is this?"
Submitted by USarmy08Marine Logic
Baptist Minister was seated next to a Marine on a flight to Memphis,Tenn.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Marine asked for a scotch and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.
"The Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too,.I didn't know we had a choice."
Submitted by Revrac66
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