Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

Page: 23

Dinner in Montana

This is a great story! The radio station America FM was doing one of its "Is! Anyone Listening?" bits this morning. The first question was, "Ever have a celebrity pull up with the 'Do you know who I am?' routine?"

A woman called in and said that a few years a go, while visiting her cattle rancher uncle in Billings, MT, she had occasion to go to dinner at a restaurant that does not take reservations. The wait was about 45 minutes; many ranchers and their wives were waiting.

Ted Turner and his ex-wife Jane Fonda came in the restaurant and wanted a table. The hostess informed them that they'd have to wait 45 minutes. Jane Fonda asked the hostess, "Do you know who I am?" The hostess answered, “Yes, but you'll have to wait 45 minutes."  Then Jane asked if the manager was in. When the manager came out, he asked, "M ay I help you?" "Do you know who we are?" both Ted and Jane asked. "Yes, but these folks have been waiting, and I can't put you ahead of them."

Then Ted asked to speak to the owner. The owner came out, and Jane again asked, "Do you know who I am?" The owner answered, "Yes, I do. Do you know who I am? I am the owner of this restaurant and I am a Vietnam Veteran.  Not only will you not get a table ahead of my friends and neighbors who have been waiting here, but you also will not be eating in my restaurant tonight or any night. Good bye."

Submitted by Revrac66

Italian Army

A guy wants to join the Italian army but finds out that only every other guy is getting a rifle when he goes to sign up. He goes home and thinks about it and goes and joins up the next day.

The DI comes in the next day and tells everyone they are going to the rifle range to qualify. This guy stands up and says, "Hey Sgt, no gotta no gun, no can shoot." Sgt. says, "No problem. You go a-bangity bang and you will be ok."

Well, the guy goes out gets up on line and goes a-bangity bang a few times and gets a medal for marksmanship.

Next day the DI says today is bayonet practice. Same guy says, "Hey, I not gotta no gun, no can put bayonet." DI says, "You go a-stickity stick and you will be okay."

Well, you know the story. Our hero goes out goes a-stickity stick and gets a medal for his efforts.

Next day the DI says today is war games. He looks at our hero and tells him because he is so good he has to hold the high ground. Tells him anything that comes up the hill he has to stop. Ahh, a good day. Up the hill comes his first subject. He jumps up and goes a-bangity bang, and the guy falls down and the hill is safe. Another unsuspecting trooper comes his way, and our hero jumps up and goes a-bangity bang, but the guy keeps coming. So our hero runs down the hill and goes a-stickity stick, and the guy goes down. The hill is still safe. Well, here comes contestant number three. Our hero jumps up and goes a-bangity bang, and the guy keeps coming. Our hero runs down and goes a-stickity stick, and the guy walks right on over him, tramples him into the dirt and walks right up the hill.

Well, this really gets to our hero. He jumps up yelling,"Hey whats a matta you. I go a-bangity bang, you no fall down. I go a-stickity stick, you no fall down."

The other trooper turns around looks at our hero and says: "A-TANKITY TANK."

Submitted by sojourner.

Things to Remember in Combat

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

9. You are not Tom Cruise.

10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

14. Smart bombs have bad days too.

15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat

Submitted by juzwant2play

Air Force Rules

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A “good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A “great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.

Helicopters can’t fly: they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Submitted by Revrac66