Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

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13 Steps

13 Steps to Recovery/Integration for Soldiers becoming civilians.

1. Admit:

   "I was in the Army; I have a problem." This is the first step to recovery...

2. Speech:

   Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0430 or 1400; it is 4:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).

   Words like latrine, overhead, fourth point of cantact, bunk, and "PT" will get you weird looks; bathroom, ceiling, and workout... get used to it.

   "F**k" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".

   Grunting is not talking.

   It's a phone, not a radio; do not use words like roger, say again, send it and conversations on a phone do not end in "out"

   People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Fort Huachuca with the platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC.

   Likewise people will not understand you when you use expressions like "watch your six."

3. Style:

   Do not put creases in your jeans.

   Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.

   A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.

   A high and tight looks really dumb as well.

   A hat indoors does not make you a bad person; it makes you like the rest of the world; what's more it's a hat and not a cover.

   You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:

   Army girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.

   Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.

   Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:

   In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.

   Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.

   How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.

   The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:

   In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"

   That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.

   That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter.

7. Bodily functions:

   Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".

   The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.

   You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.

   VD will also not be funny

8. The human body:

   Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.

9. Spending habits:

   One day, you will have to pay bills

   Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.

   Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.

   One day you will need health insurance .

10. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):

    Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.

11. Real jobs:

    They really can fire you.

    On the flip side you really can quit.

    Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.

    Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.

    Remember 9-5 not 0430 to 1700

12. The Law:

    UCMJ does not exist and will not save you from prison.

    Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested

    Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job

    Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

13. General knowledge:

    You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.

    Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.

    They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, be polite.

    Read the contracts before you sign them; remember what happened last time - You ended up here!

Submitted by fireman

Rules for Dating a Marine's Daughter

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like cutting the lawn?

Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

•  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

• Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
• Places where there is darkness.
• Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
• Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
• Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.
• Hockey games are okay. Old folk's homes are better.

Rule Nine

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten

Be afraid. Be very afraid It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Chu Lai. When my Agent Orange or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Recruiting Pilots

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Submitted by Revrac66

Cannibals

Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor.

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!"