Military Humor

Military Jokes

Pages of military jokes submitted by AllMilitary members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here. 

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History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defea ted French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

Submitted by Revrac66

One Mistake

It seems that a young man volunteered for Navy service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "VELL SON...You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

Submitted by zhome30

In Iraq Too Long

You know you've been in Iraq too long when ..

4. Every woman that reports to your unit starts looking attractive.

5.  Every guy that reports to your unit starts looking attractive.

6. You actually volunteer for convoy security duty because you still havn't seen the country yet.

7. When you start humming with the Arabic song playing on the radio on the shuttle bus.

8. The contractors have more fire power than the Military combat units. (This is true.)

9. You take the time to add your lines to this list.

10. You walk an extra 6 blocks to eat at the KBF (contractor run) dining facility to have the exact same food they are serving in your dining facility because you think it tastes better.

11. When mortars land near your compound and you roll over in bed and think, "Still way off, I got another 5 minutes." 

12. Driving around in SUV's with weapons pointed out the windows and forcing cars off the road seems very normal to you.

13. You can put your body armor and helmet on in the dark in under 5 seconds.

14. When the organization you work for has changed its name more than 3 times.

15. When you can actually talk to people in the United States on a cell phone, yet you can't get people on their cell phone a block away.

16. When you actually spend more time writing e-mail about the dog in the compound versus how to conduct the fight in Najaf.

17. Your idea of a fun Thursday night is to go to the Palace pool to watch the State Department folks get drunk, naked and try to pick each other up.

18. When you actually get excited to get a package that conatins 3 pair of socks, 12 bars of soap, and a Victoria's Secret Catalog.

19. When you start to enjoy the rocking of the trailor every time the MEDEVAC choppers fly over.

20. You memorized every episode from the 4th season of "Sex in the City."

21. You enjoy the audience commentary while watching a movie bought at Haji Mart.

22. You see Celebratory fire going over the compound at night and think, "wow the colors are so pretty" and want to fire back.

23. Your thinking of buying real estate in the green zone.

24. Your idea of sex is 20 minutes of Instant Messaging with your wife on the computer, OK, 10 minutes, who are you kidding?

25. You wake up and think Baghdad, I am still in friggin Baghdad.

26. You make the new guy show you his count down timer just to make you feel better about your time you have left in the country.

27. You're in the Army and you start saying Ooorah.

28. You're in the Marines and you start saying Hooah.

29. You're in the Navy and you realize you are in the middle of the desert, the exact opposite of being in the middle of the ocean, where one might normally find the Navy.

30. You're in the Air Force, and you're on the plan home because an Air Force tour is to short to have been a long Iraq tour. Ignore this list, zoomie, you won't get it.

31. You only notice the stench of Haji funk when its not there.

32. You plan on removing all trees and grass in your yard when you get home so it will look more natural.

33. You forget there are other colors than brown that can be found in places other than power point slides.

34. The temp. drops down to 102 degrees and you shiver while reaching for your Gortex jacket.

35. You have noticed a change of season, from long, hot and dry to short, cold and wet.

36. When you call home and your kids ask "Who is this?"

37. You call home and your wife says "Hello Bill," (while your name is Sam).

38. When you go on R&R, you duct tape your child to the roof of your car, hand him a pellet rifle, and assign him a sector of fire for the ride to "The Olive Garden."

39. When you can comfortably sahave and brush your teeth using bottled water, but don't mind showering in the "non-potable" local water.

40. When 12 hours is a short work day.

41. You go Battle Captains!

42. When you start using words like G'day mate, Cheer, and Bloody hell as part of your normal vocabulary.

43. When you have your opinions printed in the STARS and STRIPES more than 3 times.

44. When you end every phone conversation with "out."

45. You never worry about oversleeping because if the mornign call to prayers doesn't wake you, the daily 0430 mortar attack will (most mornings).

46. You make a contest out of seeing who can wear their uniform for more days before becoming entirely disgusted with themselves.

47. You find it completely acceptable to pick your nose while talking to a complete stranger or member of the opposite sex.

48. You go to a social gathering and intermittent gun fire or explosions don't even cause a pause in the conversation.

Navy Directive on Flatulence-Producing Food