Past Military Comedy Contests
June 2007 Funniest Military Joke
And the Winner Is ...
Submitted by Jselph
Read the winning joke and the other entries below, as well as the poll that members voted in.
Joke 1: Dark in Here
An airman's wife takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is on base. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy--"I have a baseball."
Man--"That's nice."
Boy--"Want to buy it?"
Man--"No, thanks."
Boy--"My dad's outside."
Man--"OK, how much?"
Boy--"$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy--"Dark in here."
Man--"Yes, it is."
Boy--"I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy--"$750."
Man--"Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that s*** again."
Submitted by Jselph
Joke 2: Lion Tamer
Two retired officers are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"I'll pick up some of the crap that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no crap in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"You ain't thinkin' to clear—cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some crap on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"
Submitted by SFC_11C4H
Joke 3: Having a Bad Day?
Having a bad day?
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a bad day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000 per seal. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Still having a bad day???
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What! Still having a bad day?????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better???
Submitted by Hollis
Joke 4: Snow Condition Bravo
An Army private was ecstatic to be one of very low-enlisted servicemembers authorized to live in on-post family housing as part of a new Army test program. He wanted to follow all housing regulations to the letter, to make sure he would be allowed to stay.
During the snowstorm of the year, he turned on the Command Information Channel and heard the following message:
"The National Weather Service has predicted three inches of snow. The post commander has instituted Snow-Condition Alpha, which means that all privately owned vehicles should be parked on the north or west sides of streets."
The Army private hurried out of the house and quickly moved his truck to the west side of the street.
One week later, it started to snow again, so he turned on the Command Information Channel once more. The announcer said, "The National Weather Service has predicted five inches of snow. The post commander has instituted Snow-Condition Bravo, which means that all privately owned vehicles should be parked on the south or east sides of streets."
The private dashed out move his car to the east side of the street.
A few days later, another storm hit. The private turned on the Command Information Channel, but the storm had knocked out the cable.
Panicking, he asked his wife, "What should I do??????"
"Babe, his wife replied, "Just leave the car in the garage!"
Submitted by 20yearsIn
Joke 5: French Foreign Legion
Three French Foreign Legion soldiers who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in ... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second legionnaire arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7 ...8 ... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first and second legionnaires met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
Submitted by a934af
Funniest Joke Poll
Joke 1: Dark in Here |
 | 72% |  |
Joke 2: Lion Tamer |
| 3% | |
Joke 3: Having a Bad Day? |
| 6% | |
Joke 4: Snow Condition Bravo |
| 6% | |
Joke 5: French Foreign Legion |
| 10% | |
