Past Military Comedy Contests
March 2007 Funniest Military Joke
And the Winner Is ...
Submitted by Rickb54.
Read the winning joke and the other entries below, as well as the poll that members voted in.
Joke 1: Three Conditions
A Marine sees a flyer from a medical research company that wants to cross a human male with a female orangutan. The flyer asks people to participate for $500. The marine figures it'll be okay and goes to the lab where the project will happen.
The Marine checks in at the lab and the lead researcher shows him the orangutan.
“I got three conditions before this happens, the marine said. “Number one—no kissing! There's no way I can kiss an animal. Number two, I can't spend the night. It's gotta be 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am!
“Alright, the researcher says. “That can be accommodated. What's your third condition?"
“Well, the marine says. “I don't have the 500 bucks on me right now. Can we work out a payment plan?
Submitted by nr839.
Joke 2: True Story
Week 5 basic training. Drill Sergeant Shaltenbrand comes in for bedcheck. Right away he asks a private: "Jessen where you from? You remind me of a White Urkel."
"Montana," Pvt Jessen replies.
"Montana? Where the men are men and the sheep are scared!"
"Cows too, drill sergeant Cows too."
Submitted by turendil.
Joke 3: Husband Wanted
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED ! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman a Vietnam Vet sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you ?" the widow said. "Just look at you... You have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you !"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eye-brow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed ??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.
Submitted by Rickb54.
Joke 4: Saddam's Relatives
Now that Saddam, Uday and Qusay have been eliminated, many of Saddam Hussein's lesser-known relatives are coming to the attention of American authorities including:
Sooflay ............the restauranteur
Guday...............the Australian half-brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins by his the African wife
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray..............the country music star
Ecksray...........the radiologist
Puray...............the gourmet chef
Regay...............the Jamaican half-brother
Tupay...............the brother with the bad hair
Lattay...............the sister who works in Starbucks
Bufay...............the chubby sister
Dushay.............the very clean sister
Phayray............the zookeeper sister who works in the gorilla house
Sapheway.........the sister who works in a grocery store
Ollay................the Mexican half-sister
Gudlay.............the slutty sister
And finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.
Submitted by 101in73.
Joke 5: Fifty-One Days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. They take their order over and sit down at the large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51, days, 51 days!"
Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!!"
Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The Marine who brought the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 day."
Funniest Joke Poll
Joke 1: Three Conditions |
 | 9% |  |
Joke 2: True Story |
| 4% | |
Joke 3: Husband Wanted |
| 56% | |
Joke 4: Saddam's Relatives |
| 4% | |
Joke 5: Fifty-One Days |
| 26% | |
| |||
