AllMilitary.com

Arguing with your spouse is never a fun experience. Every couple has their share of disagreements, and the normal level of stress, elevated voices and verbal confrontation does vary among couples. These varying degrees of expression during times of stress are dictated by personality type and social factors.

When deployment is approaching it is common for families to face stress and emotional turmoil. This can lead to difficulty in communicating and an increase in arguments. Deployment related stress is much harder and much more complicated than daily stress. The old methods of getting through a disagreement may not work for your relationship during this time.

The best way to diffuse an argument is to be aware of your own stress and then take proactive steps to avoid a conflict altogether. Sometimes arguments can cause a person to say things they later regret. Neither you or your Soldier need any regrets to mull over when deployment starts.

Here are some quick tips that may help you diffuse these types of arguments:

1. Have a game plan.  The best time to talk about your stress and how you want to handle times when you are close to arguing is when you are not fighting. For example, you can make an agreement that when one calls a “time-out” during an argument, the other will allow a cool-down period for an agreed upon amount of time. You can get as specific as you need too. You can even write your guidelines down so you both can reference them if you forget. This only works when it is agreed on by both parties when things are calm.

2. Do not talk about sensitive topics or take up an emotionally heated debate over email, text message, or the telephone. If at all possible have these hard discussions in person, face to face and during a time when you can talk them through without interruption. Other mediums of discussion leave too much room for error and miscommunication.

3. When you are discussing difficult topics that you normally argue over, avoid pushing buttons. It’s tempting to do during times when you are hoping to make your point, but it often shuts the other party down as well as inflaming emotion and causing defensiveness. Steer clear of phrases like “If you would have.” or “I told you so…”  If you feel tempted to start down that road, call for a time-out and walk away for a moment. Clear your head and regain your focus before you start talking again.

4. Don’t only focus on the immediate emotion. There is often a lot being communicated over a yelling match about whose at fault for something. Anger can often be an emotion that is much easier to access than sorrow, fear and grief. When a family facing deployment the members are often grappling with a lot of emotions that are very uncomfortable. It’s easier to be angry over the budget than it is to verbalize how afraid you are that your spouse may come home wounded or worse. Yelling about how messy the house is kept is easier than telling your wife how much you are going to miss her when you are away. If we can get beyond the anger then we can get to the reasons behind it.

5. Show some mercy to one another. Remember that “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Make it your goal to be a peacemaker. It’s not always vital that your point be made in a heated discussion, but sometimes it is. Choose your battles wisely. Remember that an argument is only won when both parties emerge from the heated topic feeling heard, understood and better for having talked it all through.