Losses on the Homefront
We lose out on a lot things we can never have back when we hold down the fort during times of deployment. There are a lot of firsts, a lot of lasts, a lot of ‘in between’ events that we have to manage and tread on our own. Sometimes the joyful things can feel a little less joyful when we know that someone we love very much can not be there with us to experience the moment. There are other losses that we can face too.
I know that miscarriage happens a lot and it happens within every single race, creed, color, religion and any other difference you can list that exists between humans. This is not normally a topic I would cover here, but it is heavy on my mind as a friend is experiencing this now, and it’s a personal experience that I have journeyed through myself in the past.
Statistics show that on average there is around one million miscarriages every year in the US. There are some women who may suffer a miscarriage at home who never sees a doctor, so this estimate is probably low. The trauma and grief of losing a baby is hard at any stage, but the farther along the pregnancy the more prolonged the grief may be. It’s not to say that losing a baby at 10-weeks along hurts less than at 20-weeks, but the pregnancy that continues longer adds a deeper level of bonding and preparation for the arrival - also later term miscarriages and still births are more traumatic physically thus adding to the emotional difficulty of coping.
Miscarriage grief is difficult and it is complicated. A lot of women feel as if they can not or should not openly grieve for such a loss, and therefore a lot of women go on hurting in private. If a miscarriage or still birth happens during deployment it can be extremely difficult. We already deal with so many losses when deployment occurs that adding this life-grief on top of it all can be overwhelming.
I wanted to touch on this subject because if a half-dozen women read this, chance are 3-4 of them will have had this experience. Military wives are not immune and so I know it has impacted the lives of women each of us know.
If you have experienced a miscarriage or still birth and are still in pain and grieving, please reach out for some support and help. It is not a weakness if you need to talk about it and cry over it with a friend, a chaplain or a counselor. Too many of us, myself included, have pulled ourselves up by the bootstraps, painted on a smile, and trudged forward. You can run from somethings, but not a pain as personal as this.
If you need someone to talk to, please call a trusted friend, a chaplain or ask your medical doctor for a referral to a clinician who is experienced in grief counseling. Your local Hospice is also a great resource. For an online Resource, I highly recommend Share: Support for Parents. If you need help making that first contact you are always welcome to write me at claire@kneedeepinthehooah.com
June 18th, 2009 at 12:34 am
Claire, a very timely subject. While many chose not to acknowledge that this is indeed a very traumatic event, it affects both spouses. It is very often not understood how this effects the husband also.
June 18th, 2009 at 9:36 am
John you are very right. I know my husband was very grieved over our losses. The hard part for me, concerning him, is that he had to watch me go through the trauma — I was drugged up pretty good, he was not.
June 25th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Grandparents grieve too. For the mother, for the father, for the grandbaby that they will never hold nor have brag books for.