The Best Defense is a Good Offense (proactive self defense)
I had a very unnerving experience the other day that left me painfully aware that safety is so easy to take for granted. Fortunately for me (or through God’s good grace and timing as I like to put it!) I was in the right place at the right time and was able to escape a potentially dangerous situation.
A strange man was approaching my house just as I pulled out of the garage. Fortunately my car doors were locked and I was pulling out. He was standing in my yard, near my front door in the pouring rain, he had on jeans a t-shirt, a backpack stuffed with something, and he was carrying an “ADT” yard sign in his hand.
I stopped at a distance with my doors locked and transmission in gear, and asked him what he was doing. He made up a story that he was with the company “ADT” and he wanted to talk to me about home security. I told him my husband and I were not interested.
He acted very suspiciously so I drove up the road a ways and watched him, and then I called the police and then my husband. The police came out and scoured the neighborhood for him while my husband came home and checked our house for safety. All was well, but I was left looking over my shoulder quite a bit for a few days following the incident.
I never thought of myself as one to take her safety for granted, but to be honest I have done just that. We live in a very quiet neighborhood where there are usually no strangers around at all. I knew the guy was out of place right away because I know my neighbors. This left me pondering how I would have reacted if my husband was not home, and how I can better guard myself if he leaves in the future and even when he is still here at the home-front.
The one aspect of my story that scares me the most is the fact that just minutes before I loaded my daughter into her carseat and opened up that garage door, I had unlocked my front door to the house, and poked my head outside. I looked up to make sure our flags were hanging properly and checked to see if there were any packages waiting for us. I don’t know if the stranger was already near my door or not. He could have just been around the corner for all I know.
Opening my door blindly and not expecting someone was my first mistake. I now remember to open my door with an awareness. We can’t live inside and not do what we want out of fear — if we do that then the bad guys have already won! The trick is to go about every day life, but with a little more awareness of your surroundings, and developing an aware understanding of what reources you have at your disposal.
The first thing I did was think through the weakest places of my home. Where would be the easiest or ideal point of entry for a burglar or an assailant? I have lower windows leading into my garage and den. I know these are the easiest windows to enter into since the rest of the windows can not be reached from the ground without a very tall ladder (I still keep our upper windows locked at night and when I am gone). Also, the lower windows, on one side anyway, have a nice shrub that would act as a good cover for someone who was breaking in. Now we are in the process of getting rid of the shrubs, ordering new, more secure, windows and we will put some alarms on the windows down there. I am also putting in a request to my husband for motion detected lighting there. We do have curtains up, but I will be replacing them with a thicker grade of material so there is no transparency.
The second thing I did was try to evaluate where I could escape my home if I needed to at a moment’s notice from various places within the house. If I could safely grab my toddler and run, where would I go? Who, nearby could help me? I planned some escape routes. Also, along those routes I spied what I could use as a weapon if need be. Everything from my exercise equipment (like a 20lb kettlebell), baseball bats, etc. These were items that were stashed in little cubbies along the way in their normal storage spots.
Other things I took note of during my inventory: how well lit my front and back yards are at night, my door coming in from the garage is an interior door — that will be changed to a regular exterior door with a dead bolt (we have an electric garage door opener that is very good, but you never know…), and I also evaluated how well everyone in the home was in the habit of locking the doors when they leave and when they come in.
So far, so good. The other realization for me was hard — I will more than likely not put out a public display of deployment again. I am really afraid that a yellow ribbon on a lone house in a neighborhood is a nice big yellow flag that says “The dude who lives here may not be home!” Maybe if I were living on a military base, but not in an unsecured neighborhood.
I have read horrific stories of soldiers coming back from deployment on emergency leave to an empty home due to a violent intruder who took his family. Anytime a family is hurt like that it is beyond horrific — when it happens to a soldier’s family when he is off fighting for this Country, it adds another layer of horror to the atrocity.
I do not want to be a statistic not willingly, not ever.
My next two steps in proactive self-defense may seem drastic, but they are steps I have been meaning to take for myself for sometime now. I have had no reasons not to do these things, but not because I didn’t want to — I think it was just another layer of responsibility that I did not want with little ones in the home.
I have not owned a firearm for a long time. I am an experienced shot, but I have not had a gun of my own in my home for years. It’s not due to any change of heart I have had over gun ownership — I think it’s a right! As a matter of fact admitting out loud that I do not own a firearm is embarrassing for me, personally. So, my husband is taking me out, helping me pick out a good fit, and then we are heading out to a place where an experienced teacher will reacquaint me with a gun. He will also be training me how to use it under intense pressure and stress.
If you are a gun owner or plan on buying a firearm in the future, I highly recommend getting the additional training. I was really surprised at how quickly my rational-self melted into a pile of nerves when I saw the strange man in my front yard. If he were in my home, would I have the ability to keep myself calm enough to get to my gun and protect myself and my daughter? I think that going through the additional training will help me to gain that confidence and those skills. Just because my dad took me shooting all the time as a kid, and my 12th birthday present was a .357-Magnum, doesn’t mean I can handle a gun under stress.
Finally, I am also going to take some more self-defense training. Kick boxing is great and I have learned some good moves, but unless my attacker is willing to dance with me, I don’t think the choreographed moves will do me much good. I took Karate as a kid, and did well, but I am now in a 40-something year old body, and a good roundhouse kick may send ME to the hospital instead of my attacker. I need to refresh my skills and find practical ways to neutralize a situation should it arrive.
In all honesty my complacency has come from having a houseful of men. I have had three young men (my sons) and my husband around all the time for years. It wasn’t until just a couple of years ago that I suddenly was left with myself and a little girl in the home alone. I promised her, the first time I held her, that I would protect her, and I intend on doing just that.
I know we live in a day and time when we are constantly being told to not resist… give your attacker what he demands from you and you may get to live. There is no way I am going to beg a degenerate criminal for mercy. No, I want more control than that for myself and especially for my daughter. I certainly never go looking for trouble, but if it comes to my door I will be ready. I guess this is my way of becoming as “wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove.”
If you have any added tips or comments, please leave them. I would love to hear your own stories of how you have made yourself feel safer by taking your safety into your hands and making plans and being proactive.
March 30th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
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March 30th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Claire, you handled things well, and you did a great job of covering things for the future. My husband passed away in 2006. We were married for 34 years, so I found that I was very complacent when it came to security. Most of the time my front door was unlocked. And, in my situation, I’m in a wheelchair, so things are a little more difficult for me. I am a registered gun owner, and a pretty good shot if I must say so myself. My gun is beside my bed. I had new locks put on all the doors (we had already installed metal doors), and had the contractor lower the peephole to a level that I could use.
When I open the door, I always do it at an angle. My chair is a power chair, and there is no way a person could shove the door open if I’m in the chair behind the door! I also have a window at an angle to the front door where I can see who is on the porch, and they can’t see me.
Someone recently mentioned to me that I should keep my keys with the car alarm fob with me at all times. That way if I notice someone near my car, I can set the alarm off, and it may be enough to scare them off.
I have motion sensitive lights in both the front and back of my house. I always leave a light on in the house when I leave.
When I am out shopping, I try to be very aware of where I park, and what is around me.
I had one bad experience right after Bill died, where someone did try to get in my car. The police where here immediately…and they did both a house and yard search for me. They are aware of my situation (being alone and in a wheelchair), and are very quick to respond.
I also took a personal self-defense course that was especially for women. I was surprised at how hesitant most women were to scream or to fight back…not me…I guess it was the way I was raised. Even being restricted by the chair (or maybe because of it), I was much more willing to hit, scream, gouge, and generally hurt a potential attacker than most were. I highly recommend this type of course.
I applaud you for taking the self-defense course for handling a gun. there is no use having one if you don’t know how to use it under pressure. I do need to get a smaller one that I can carry in my bag on my chair.
I am eager to hear what others say about this topic. Thanks for starting it.
March 31st, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Jane I never realized that you are a widow and in a wheelchair! You are very brave and sound pretty determined to defend yourself! Good for you!! I really believe it is the only liberating thing you can do in the long run. You can’t live in fear!
March 31st, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Claire,
I came across your post quite by chance through Google - made for very compelling reading (despite my being a guy on the opposite side of the world - Singapore). I thought I’d quickly share a couple of tips with you that subscribers of my service have shared with me (as an aside, I’m the CEO over at HomeCamera, an Internet based service that makes home monitoring easy and affordable for Internet users worldwide).
1. Consider putting in a yard sign like a “Secured by ADT” or “Secured by Brinks” yard sign. You might know SOMEONE who’s a customer of one of these companies - get them to order a spare yard sign for you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t actually HAVE their service - the sign itself tells a burglar that there are easier pickings elsewhere.
2. Consider putting in a dummy security camera looking out over your yard - you could look for sellers of these devices on the Web. Be careful though - if it’s conspicuously a dummy, it tells the burglar that your yard sign is a fake too. So there are pros and cons of this approach.
3. If you’re REALLY worried, consider subscribing to a monitoring service from one of these companies. Do note, though, that they can be very expensive (setup plus monthly charges plus nickel and diming for everything).
4. I guess I should also ask that you drop by our site and see if our service (free) makes sense to you. It does for tens of thousands of subscribers around the world, but I’m always wary of recommending the use of webcams and Windows PCs for real security - computers crash when you really don’t want them to… most of our subscribers use the service more from a peace of mind perspective (watching over their pets, their toddlers, small businesses, etc) than real prevention-of-bodily-harm security.
Hope this helps.
Regards from Singapore,
- Varun.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Varun, thanks for the additional pointers. I think anything that can cause a potential intruder to doubt himself is worth considering. I have always been taught that they go for the easiest target around. I believe it. I’ll check your stuff out. Thanks for the tips!
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Claire, I can sympathize with your situation. I had a guy follow me home one night after work. What this “man” wasn’t aware of is that I noticed him following me (it’s difficult to find where I live unless you live there too) so I decided it was better to drive to the nearest police station. I’m lucky to live quite near an office so it wasn’t a long drive. Once I pulled into the parking lot of the station, the driver that had followed me drove off. I hope you stay safe. Take care!
April 24th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Melissa — good and quick thinking on your behalf! I am glad you had a safe place to go!
April 28th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Claire,
Something to consider along with your firearm is a good gun belt and a holster and carrying it daily. My gun goes on when I get dressed and doesn’t come off until I am getting ready for bed.
I have four children and we teach them gun safety - early and often - and seeing mom and dad with a gun is no longer a big deal.
We recently had a home invasion during the day in an area very near my home. The homeowner was an experienced shooter and carried his weapon at home. Someone knocked on his door, not expecting anyone and not recognizing the people at the door he initially ignored the knock. Within minutes they were kicking his door down. He is in his 60s and they probably thought he was a frail old man - HA! He was able to draw his weapon and fire seven well placed shots into the first individual while the second fled. He has said had he not had his weapon on him there is no way he could have gotten to it in time.
With the additional training for high stress situations and self-defense I would recommend some force on force training. I took a class last year that recreated everyday situations - going to the ATM, walking to your car, etc. and how quickly someone can come up on you with bad intentions. Things happen FAST and classes like that will give you a bit of that adrenaline dump and help you determine if your plan of action will work or not. For example, I also always OC spray, and I realized I need to switch hands due to one of these scenarios.
The incident that led me to carry involved a big guy in a pick up truck following me out of a Wal-mart parking lot. He was angry because, as he went the wrong way up an aisle, I looked at him - just looked. He confronted me on another aisle and I decided I would just leave instead of getting out of the car with my daughter who was 9months old at the time. He followed me until I picked up the phone. I realized he probably thought I was calling 911. Had he hit my vehicle with his truck I would have had nowhere to go….what would I do? Leave my daughter in her seat and run? I also would have had to direct the police to my location since I was on a cell phone - no way they would have been able to get there in time to stop him. The incident that confirmed my decision to carry involved a road rage situation and it was simply my placement of my hand on my weapon that diffused the situation. A man talking on his cell phone and weaving was angry because I tried to pass him. He pulled up in front of me and slammed on his brakes. Because of the traffic I could not pull around him without causing an accident and I also had my youngest daughter with me. I dialed 911 on my blue tooth and while they had me on hold I watched him approach my vehicle. He ranted and raved that I should be ashamed of myself (I honked at him when he cut me off) - he was in full Arab garb - and he just kept coming. As he reached my window I had placed my hand on my holstered weapon ready to draw if I needed and watched his eyes glance at my hand. He stopped mid-sentence and returned to his vehicle and drove away. That was when 911 finally came on the line.
Glad you and your family are okay!